Grief
Losing a loved one is hard to imagine at any point in a person’s life especially during college when students often feel invincible and that life’s possibilities are endless. Grieving is more intense when the loss seems unusual for the stage of life we are in and when the person who has died is very significant. For example, the death of a parent or sibling can be a traumatic event in a college student’s life. It can become hard to relate to friends because they are less likely to have experienced the same kind of loss at that point in their life. Grieving is a natural response to other loses as well. Other examples of loss include the end of a relationship, move to a new community, loss of a pet, life threatening illness, and a much anticipated opportunity or life goal is suddenly closed to us.
College is a difficult environment to experience loss at. The pressures of academics and extracurricular activities can make it difficult for a student to allow him or herself to experience the grieving process. Also, some students may choose to distract themselves with these activities in efforts to prevent themselves from experience the negative emotions associated with grief. It is normal to experience a range of intense overwhelming emotions in response to loss. Grieving is an important process because it allows us to “free up” energy that is bonded to that person, object, or experience. Until a person has grieved he may be unable to redirect that energy elsewhere because a part that him is still tied to the past. Grieving is not the same as forgetting nor is it drowning in tears. Healthy grieving allows a person to remember the loss in a peaceful way instead of being filled with pain.
Factors that may hinder the healing process:
- Avoidance or minimization of one’s emotions.
- Use of alcohol or drugs to self-medicate.
- Use of work (overfunction at workplace) to avoid feelings.
If you or someone you know is struggling with grief or loss the Student Development and Counseling Center (SDCC) can provide confidential counseling to help guide you to recovery. The SDCC is open M-F between 8am and 5pm. To schedule an appointment please call ext. 5540.
Treatment at the SDCC
The focus of grief counseling is to support the student through the grieving process. There is no “right way” to grieve. It can be a slow and emotional process. The aim of counseling is for the student to understand that loss and grief are a part of life. The hope is for the student to learn to accept the loss by gaining a new perspective – a new sense of self and what can be done with life. Another goal in counseling is for the student to believe that they have the skills necessary to cope with the loss. The experience may lead to psychological growth that will better prepare the student to deal with future stressful events.
The grieving process usually consists of the following stages. Not everyone experiences the stages in this order and not everyone experiences each stage. It is important to understand that the grief process is an individual experience without a deadline or timetable.
Denial, numbness, and shock
- This serves to protect the individual from experiencing the intensity of the loss.
- Numbness is a normal reaction to an immediate loss and should not be confused with "lack of caring".
- Denial and disbelief will diminish as the individual slowly acknowledges the impact of this loss and accompanying feelings.
Bargaining
- At times, individuals may ruminate about what could have been done to prevent the loss.
- Individuals can become preoccupied about ways that things could have been better, imagining all the things that will never be.
- This reaction can provide insight into the impact of the loss; however, if not properly resolved, intense feelings of remorse or guilt may hinder the healing process.
Depression
- After recognizing the true extent of the loss, some individuals may experience depressive symptoms.
- Sleep and appetite disturbance, lack of energy and concentration, and crying spells are some typical symptoms.
- Feelings of loneliness, emptiness, isolation, and self-pity can also surface during this phase, contributing to this reactive depression.
- For many, this phase must be experienced in order to begin reorganizing one’s life.
Anger
- This reaction usually occurs when an individual feels helpless and powerless.
- Anger may result from feeling abandoned, occurring in cases of loss through death.
- Feelings of resentment may occur toward one’s higher power or toward life in general for the injustice of this loss.
- After an individual acknowledges anger, guilt may surface due to expressing these negative feelings.
- Again, these feelings are natural and should be honored to resolve the grief.
Acceptance
- Time allows the individual an opportunity to resolve the range of feelings that surface.
- The grieving process supports the individual. That is, healing occurs when the loss becomes integrated into the individual’s set of life experiences.
- Individuals may return to some of the earlier feelings throughout one’s lifetime.
- There is no time limit to the grieving process. Each individual should define one’s own healing process
Students who actively participate in treatment can expect to gain:
- Control over emotional expression of the loss
- A new sense of self and direction in life
- Coping skills to deal with loss and other stressful events
Tips in Coping with Loss
- Give yourself some quiet time alone to think about moving toward a new equilibrium - a transition from who you were before the loss to who you will be after the grieving process.
- Understand that grief comes in waves, try not to resist these waves but allow yourself to flow through them. Be patient with yourself!
- Use a journal to record positive memories and to document the healing process.
- Create a memory book of the person who has passed.
- Carry a memento such as a piece of jewelry or a good luck charm.
- Be as open as you can be in expressing your feelings; cry if you need to. Express any anger or sense of unfairness if you feel it.
- Play out in your mind the unfinished business in the relationship and try to come to a resolution; say good-bye.
- Tell someone you trust the story of your loss.
- Get support from friends and relatives. If someone offers help, let them; it may be the way they show their friendship.
- Bereavement groups provide opportunities to share grief with others who have experienced similar loses.
- Try to focus on what you were able to do for the deceased, instead of what you "should have done" or could have done.
- Take care of yourself. Grief can be fatiguing, pay attention to your physical needs. Both rest and exercise are important.
- Get involved in your life to the degree that you can. Some are able to sooner than others, that's okay, go at your own pace.
- Put off unnecessary decisions and set small goals that are achievable.
What to Do if You’re Concerned About a Friend
- Take some kind of action - a phone call, a card, a hug; attend the funeral - offer specific help.
- Be available - allow the grieved time to talk without being judgmental.
- Be a good listener - avoid telling them what to do or feel or using clichés such as "You have to move on," "it’s really the best thing."
- Be patient - grievers have to talk to heal and many times, it is easy to be impatient.
- Encourage them to take care of themselves.
- Accept your own limitations - some situations are hard to handle and may require professional assistance.
Resources and Related Links
National Students of Ailing Mother’s and Father’s Support Network http://studentsofamf.org/index.php
Death, The Final Stage of Growth. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall, 1975 Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth
On Death and Dying. New York: MacMillan, 1969 Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth
Beyond Grief: A Guide to Recovering From the Death of a Loved One, by C. Staudacher (1987).
Grief's Courageous Journey: A Workbook , by S. Caplan and G. Lang (1995).
How to Survive the Loss of a Love: Fifty-Eight Things to Do When There Is Nothing to Be Done , by M. Colgrove, H.H. Bloomfield, and P. McWilliams (1977).
When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by H.S. Kushner (1981). Men & Grief , by C. Staudacher (1992).
The Gift of Grief: Healing the Pain of Everyday Losses , by J.J. Tanner (1976).
Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours, by D.R. Kingma (1987).
Healing After the Suicide of a Loved One, by A. Smolin and J. Guinan (1993).
Father Loss: Daughters Discuss the Man That Got Away, by E. Wakerman (1984).
The Grief Recovery Handbook: A Step-by-Step Program for Moving Beyond Loss , by J.W. James and F. Cherry (1989).
How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, by T.A. Rando (1988).
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Last modified: January 20, 2009 11:36:45