On Saturday, September 16, every student's worse nightmare comes true: your parents get to see your residential hall. Fortunately, WPI feels your pain, and has arranged a series of events to keep your parents occupied. So, if you want to avoid having to clean your room for another month, it's in your own best interest to make sure your parents go to these proceedings.
It all starts at 8:30 am with a continental breakfast in Alden Memorial, so make sure to tell your parents to get to WPI at 9 am. Then you can just say "Oh, the WPI officials decided to change it at the last minute. Guess we have to go straight to the breakfast and skip seeing my dorm room." Remember not to smile too much when you say this. Also, bring a textbook with you to President Parrish's speech at 10:30 am in Alden. That way, as you read it while he's speaking, you'll show your parents that you've been studying long and hard. Be sure to sit in the front row, wearing one of those nametags, too, so President Parrish can know who you are and reward you later for being such a dedicated student.
After impressing your parents and the President with your reading skills, get them to stay in Alden for the 11 am speaker Jane Adams. She's going to talk about how your parents can make the college transition easier for both you and them. This is another fine chance to impress everyone in the audience by standing up in the middle of her speech, asking her politely to be quiet, and then stating the obvious on how parents can form a positive relationship with their child: by sending lots of money. After Jane Adams is done speaking, be sure to walk up to her, shake her hand, and tell her how easy it would be for you to do her job. She'll remember who you are, and will serve as an excellent reference on your resume.
Now that you've shown everyone around you what a stunning intellect you possess, escort your parents to the Quad for the noon BBQ. To prove your knowledge of proper meat preparation, mention things like E. Coli infection and salmonella. Just remember not to stay there too long, since there's a tour of the Robotics Lab and of the Fire Labs at 12:30 pm. Unfortunately, you can't go to both, but if you have an annoying younger sibling, I highly recommend the Fire Labs tour, since there will be demonstrations, if you get my drift.
The big event of the day, and the one sure to keep everybody's father awake, is the football game at 1:30 pm. The brave, noble, upstanding WPI Engineers face off against the evil, mean, disgusting, and utterly vile Union Dutchmen. This game will mark the first time this year that the new, improved, and oh so awesome WPI Pep Band will perform for the enthralled masses. 9 out of 10 of the band's members agree that it's the best the Music Department has to offer, so you should check it out.
In case your parents don't like football - *shudder* - there's an explanation of the WPI International Program at 3 pm. This is where your parents can ask questions like "Where is Thailand?" (answer: over there somewhere), "Is London safer than Worcester?" (answer: yes, except for the Spice Girls), and "Does a trip to New Jersey count as a trip to another world?" (answer: only if you're not from there). This isn't just for parents, though. This is your chance to find out how to get as far away from your immediate family as possible, important information for any student (except if you're from another country, then you'll want to find out how to stay on campus).
At 4:15 pm, all the other non-Pep Band music groups at WPI perform for your parents. Groups that will try to live up to the Pep Band's standards are: the Glee Club, Alden Voices, Jazz Band, Concert Band, Orchestra, and Medwin String Ensemble. After you listen to them, it's dinner on your own at 5 pm. The last event, marking the approaching end to your time in purgatory, is in Alden Memorial at 8 pm: a performance by Mike Rayburn. Then, at 9:30 pm, your parents are thrown off campus and you're free to explore sweet partying once again. Until next year, that is...