As I come to know my fellow first year WPI students, I realize that the main concern of their life must obviously be academic success. You have no idea how many of them spend their week desperately searching for a time that is not filled either by a nap or a Quad BBQ so they could finally get some damned homework done! Alas, such times are all too rare. But they do search, and search diligently. For example, I have personally spent a brain-frappe-ing 3 hours searching for clues to my physics homework in every Star Wars web site I could find. And when I've gathered up all the data, and was just about ready to start doing the stuff - lo and behold, they picked just that time to hold a volleyball game out on the Quad, so I had to run and help!
As you can see, in conditions like that, academic success is, shall we say, a touchy subject. But, (what a surprise!) it turns out I have something to say on this matter.
The key to success in college is never to sleep at night!
Think about it. The main problem with studying is that those bums with nothing better to do try to make you learn stuff! First of all, it's time consuming and second, learning too much interferes with the time that could be spent on original thinking! Your brain gets too used to solving whatever problems it's been given, and does not spend that irrecoverable minute pondering those mysteries of the universe that truly matter.
But that would only be true for a functional mind. One that is still somewhere in the vicinity of a state of consciousness. That has nothing to do with the enlightened state of a mind that spent the last five nights watching pirated video clips of cartoon stars in compromising positions. Oh no, to such a mind the laws of nature no longer even apply!
When you go to class with a mind like that, whatever you'd hear the teacher saying, whether the nature of quantum mechanics or a statement of his inability to teach tomorrow's class due to an upcoming rectal exam, you sort of stare blissfully into space and go: "Oh, yes, that is right, I already thought of this yesterday in the shower..." Sometimes you say it out loud, in which case everyone laughs nervously and stares at you real funny, no doubt in awe of the things you think about. The teacher appears so impressed, he might be holding his head and moaning!
Whatever plane your mind will be on during the lesson, it will be in a place where it is constantly struck by the most w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l ideas! For example, this very Monday, I was able to stand up and prove to my calculus class that goddamn it, you can too divide by 0! It all made perfect sense when I thought about it! Unfortunately when I actually spoke my earth-shattering proof aloud, it was not very coherent, but that must have been because I was trying to communicate it to my teacher, who probably spent last night sleeping. So obviously his thoughts were not on the same rarefied wavelength as mine. But I forgive him. If he goes on teaching the class, he will spend many nights sleepless too, and then my brilliance will finally make sense to him!
Moreover, the absorptions in deep thought that occur to a sleep-deprived student brain during periods of classroom ponderings often take the outward appearance of the body slumping over somewhere to the side, the head lolling across the shoulder of the nearest attractive classmate of the opposite sex (and remember, they are all attractive to the sleep-deprived) and adorable little speckles of drool freshly glistening on one's chin. That has a doubly beneficial effect. First of all, the abovementioned attractive classmate will be truly touched by how much you want to share your class experience with him or her. You can get that sort of devotion to your classmates nowhere but from the sleep deprived.
Second, it is a real eye-opening experience for your teacher. How secure in your knowledge of the subject you must seem in moments like these! It's like you do not even need to hear the teacher explain it - you have natural faith in your absolute knowledge of everything! You are so wise, it's like you no longer even need to emerge from a comatose state to comprehend the true nature of your subject! The teacher, shocked by the sudden epiphany, will no longer even attempt to give you homework or quizzes! When are you obviously so secure in your knowledge, how could he even dare to question your total enlightenment!
This will give you more time to spend the rest of your day doing your duty to all those videogame characters that depend on you for regular exercise. But what is more, it will finally give peace of mind to both your teachers and your attractive classmate. Knowing they have a gem like you in their class will make them both swell up with pride and joy (each in a different way, of course). So you see, you must not only give up the last vestiges of nighttime sleep for the sake of your academic triumph. You must do it for the sake of those around you!
Only in the red-rimmed eyes of such a diligent student, shot through with ruptured capillaries like blue cheese with its mold, will those close to you find true enlightenment. And whatever else the benefits must be, as you've seen from the example of me in math class, it will make for lively classroom discussion!
So do the world a favor: spend your nights listening to an audio file of Bill Clinton singing dirty songs!