Are you really YOU?: When do you know you are 'gay'?

(This was originally published in a 1989 issue of Newspeak by two male executives of what was then known as LaGA: WPI's Lesbian and Gay Alliance. However, we feel that these issues still apply to students of WPI.)

Part 1:

Have you ever wondered how a gay man knew that he was really gay and not confused? Or why someone would ever want to be this way? Or what do you do if you are gay? Our intention in this three-part article is to address these questions, as if someone had asked any one of us. However, LAGA is not a group of professionals; anything stated in these articles are our personal perceptions. Some statements may, therefore, conflict strongly with what the professionals would say, and most may conflict with what you think is sensible. The first part will focus on gay self-recognition and the confusion that it entails. The following two parts will focus on coming out, and eventual adjustment. We only ask that you approach what will be said with an open mind.

But first an apology to our women readers, since these articles are written in the "male" perspective. This choice was made for two reasons. The authors of this article are male, and could not fully appreciate the female experience, and although many experiences are similar, the fact remains that both sides cannot be treated as one, when in fact both should be expressed. Perhaps you have never wondered about these questions, or joked about them with friends, and perhaps you may even be asking yourself these very questions. Whatever the past situation, take a moment before you read on to think about what you know about being gay. Do you understand some of the confusion and problems that being gay entails? Or do you think that being gay is a disease and curable? That all gay men are limp-wristed, lisp, and are interior decorators? Do you have a black sheep relative that is "that way"? Do you hate it when you are in the shower and think that someone might be looking too closely? And how could someone be this way, when being "normal" is obviously so much better?

So how do you know you are really gay? Retrospective 20/20 vision, there is really no other way; you stand and look back and say "I am gay". Yes, we are basically saying that you do not know you were gay until you admit to yourself that you are gay. If you, the reader, are confused, imagine the gay man at this point of self non-recognition. The gay man is really a half-person desperately trying to be the heterosexual person that is expected, when denying the true person inside. You cannot possibly be gay, because to yourself you are not, and must not be, gay. It is only when you tell yourself you are gay, that you become gay.

The rationale behind this statement has to do with the vast amount of hiding, and denial, of homoerotic feelings that a gay man experiences. A gay man grows up in a society that says everything that he feels is wrong, abnormal, criminal, and punishable. He learns his life is so from peers, family, newspapers, books, teachers, movies, religion, and eventually himself. What should be normal expressions of affection are deeply hidden, and very much ignored. Layers upon layers of rationalization are built up to deny what really is. You draw away from your true self, and try to fake the "normal" feelings that you are supposed to be experiencing, yet do not. A very common retrospection by any gay man is "I always knew something was different, but I never paid attention." And you do not pay attention to yourself.

What you do pay keen attention to be the standards imposed by yourself and society. You feel that you must do as you see other men are doing. This would include sneaking a Playboy from your father to share with your friends, and possibly experiencing your first heteroerotic kiss in High School so you are accepted by your developing heterosexual friends. In college the problems intensify. Other men begin to date more seriously, and the talk begins to turn to the possibility of marriage. Many gay men, however, turn the other way and become what is best phrased as "asexual", appearing to be disinterested in any form of sexual expression. For some gay men, there does exist a limited sexual attraction to women, but it is more often the case that there is no attraction at all.

What is not present to begin with is very hard to fake. However, faking sexual attraction can be done, and is done by a gay man in denial. Faking it also becomes easier as time goes on, and starts very early in a gay man's life. A gay man finds himself playing a game against him to be what is expected. The first heteroerotic kiss is not sought after, but forced. The reading of a Playboy becomes a chore done to impress "the guys", so they accept you. It is very easy to agree that some woman is gorgeous if another man says so, even if you do not inwardly agree. A macho act develops to bolster your sagging self-image. You cannot be gay if you do not act stereotypically gay, or perceive yourself to be gay.

However, no matter how hard a gay man tries to bury his true feelings, the defenses cannot be maintained continuously. Feelings begin to leak through, gradually at first, but with growing insistence. You begin to notice that as you flip through the pages of a Playboy, you do not feel anticipation and excitement. That is, not until you turn to the page with Jim Palmer advertising for Jockey underwear, and you find your eyes lingering. Worse, you find yourself excited and enjoying what you see. But you catch yourself, turn to the next page, and quickly force yourself to bury the thought of finding a man sexually attractive. You tighten down your defenses and continue, but other feelings and experiences will continue to break through. You find that your fantasies are not really of women, but of men. You find yourself glancing at men in gym shorts, and forcing yourself to look at women and find the same level of interest. The locker room may become the worst aspect of gym, even if you enjoy athletics, because you fear your natural response.

When your defenses finally crash down in tatters, you begin to look at yourself as being really gay. What may have started earlier on may become more apparent in college. For whatever reason, you "come out."