Are you coming out TOO?

(This was originally published in a 1989 issue of Newspeak by two male executives of what was then known as LaGA: WPI's Lesbian and Gay Alliance. However, we feel that these issues still apply to students of WPI.)

Part 2

For the readers who are just beginning with this discussion, some summary is in order: Society, as a collective whole, states that being gay is wrong, and any gay man sometime in childhood buys into this judgment of himself. He begins to hide his feelings, to deny his true self, to fake feelings for the opposite sex, and avoids considering himself to be gay because he does not wish to be a social undesirable. The gay man will state that he is in fact heterosexual, and will truly believe himself so. However, underneath the denial remains a man that is, and has always been, attracted to other men. Only when a man honestly looks at himself can he discover he is gay. And the gay man "comes out."

"Coming out" is a powerful phrase to a gay man. It is a time which marks the ending of the lies and denial, and the beginning of trust, hope, and appreciation for himself as a person. Some men can pinpoint the exact day they came out, and many remember the sequence of events that led up to this time. A gay man who has come out is free to experience for himself what he has only seen others experience, specifically the love of another person, and the joy of being himself. The phrase "coming out" was adopted by the lesbian and gay community more than fifteen years ago in an attempt to describe the emotional process a woman or man undergoes in coming to terms with the fact that she or he is lesbian or gay. Coming out starts small, first by telling yourself that you are gay and overcoming your own personal fears of what being gay means. A gay man learns of the gay stereotype, and from an early age believes it to be true. The stereotype is not positive, as few stereotypes are, and conflicts with what a gay man sees himself as being. No one wants to be identified as being stereotypical, and a gay man is no different. The gay man will eventually confront the stereotype with knowledge of himself, and realize that he is not bound by the stereotypes of homosexuality. Coming out does not happen over-night, however. Some gay men can remember being aware of feeling different as far back as age 5 or 6, but do not come out until their late twenties or later. Other men first become aware of differences in early adolescence, and come out before High School graduation. Still other gay men go through adolescence, High School, go to Freshman year of college, experience several heterosexual relationships during this time, and then come out. Still other gay men marry, have children, and come out after several years of marriage. There is no recipe to follow to come out, just the gay man and father time. You come out when your gay inner self is ready to surface, and not before. Even then some gay men will never come out.

For any person there is no opting for one sexual orientation over another, it just is. A gay man has the same experience: no choice. If anything, any sexual orientation is a combination of environmental and genetic factors. Neither can be singled out as the cause, since both are heavily intertwined and neither can be controlled. Nor can you change what already is. The only possible choice that arises, however, is whether to accept or deny what you do discover.

The problem with deciding to express a different sexuality than your own natural one, however, is that you continue to fake what is not there. Since emotions and feelings cannot be transplanted, denial is a vague hope to become what you will never be. A gay man does not have the same erotic feelings that heterosexual man does because he did not grow up with such feelings. When a gay man realizes these points, the stronger desire to be one's self replaces the desire to be heterosexual.

The next step is accepting that being attracted to other men is not wrong. This is no easy task. Prior to coming out you believe your homoerotic feelings are wrong, and you keep them buried. Now even though you have come out and are beginning to address your feelings, they are not fully present. Your true feelings are diluted, unfocused, and false ones have been constructed. By coming out, you have spilt off the false, and are now left with the true. However, feelings must be built upon, explored, and nurtured similar to what a child does in growing into adulthood. You cannot go instantly from denial to actuality, and unlike a child, you are already an adult and sexually mature.

For many gay men a first step in building upon a developing sense of gay self is to discover what being gay means beyond the limiting stereotype. For many men, reading provides a way to learn, and can be important when he does not as yet know anyone else who is also gay. A simpler approach for some is to finally begin to look at another man, and not feel uncomfortable. The first adult gay men's magazine may eventually be purchased, as well as other gay lifestyle publications. After a time that for some men can last years, the rightness of coming out will hit home. You have found yourself, and can finally begin to live your life and be happy.

During this building process, a gay man will eventually reach the point of needing others with whom to talk. Fortunately today, there are many gay men willing to help, but you, yourself, must be willing to ask for help.

And whatever you may feel, you are not alone in coming out.