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Wednesday, February 14, 2001 A Publication of the Newspeak Association Volume No. 66, Issue 5

Front Page
-Entrepreneurship: Venture Forum involves all
-Doctor inadvertently invents orgasm machine
-Phi Kappa Theta Hosts Alumni Day
-Avocado products recalled due to bacteria contamination threat

-News Headlines
-Financial aid for the 2001-2002 academic year
-"Namesake Designs and Geometric Expressions" on display in Gordon Library
-Police Log

-Media violence isn't the problem after all
-Radicalism only hurts the environmental cause
-The Pit
-The Little Things
-Philler (external link)

Letters to the Editor
-Soft money, soft politicians

International House
-Indian Students Organization organizes earthquake relief fund raising drive

Arts & Entertainment
-"The Love of Don Perlimplin for Belisa in his Garden" is a magical experience
-The Goat Head... Where is it?
-Anime overly violent?
-An undying love…for videogames
-"Put your hands together": WPI Step Team
-Guerilla Improv: Five Questions with Chad Pytel Survey shows truth on WPI Dating
-Valentine's Day Traditions Continue Despite Mysterious Origins

-Club Corner
-Crimson Clipboard

-Women's basketball edges MIT in overtime on the road
-Wrestling team rolls with another upset
-Score Board
-Upcoming Contests

The Little Things...

by Odin's Eye

You know, a lot of women just go out with me to further their own careers…Damn anthropologists!

W.C. Fields once said "Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at but I wouldn't want to own one." Unfortunately, looking is all most men here get to do. I was trying to decide the reason for this. Why do precious few men have meaningful relationships? Is it really because of the ratio? Is it because those men are socially defective? Is it all a conspiracy to undermine the social structure of our delicate society? All of these seem so close, but yet so far from the answer. After much pondering over this question, I realized what the true problem is. It is the same problem that has cased wars and ended marriages. Miscommunication!! Misunderstanding!! The best way I see is to inform both sides on some inside information on the other.


Communication: Men have no need to finish a sentence when talking to other men. We have a strange ability to know what is being talked about even if the discussion contains no nouns or verbs. We may forget this while in your presence, so please don't take offence, we just forget that you lack our super human communication powers.

Relationship With Friends: A man's friends are the people that will be with him for the rest of his life (or at least till he graduates). They are very important to him. There is more that just drinking together, and talking about the ladies, you know…there is more drinking…and ogling ladies…and having each other pay for food…and giving each other answers during a test. This is a deep relationship, and you should understand that you might have to settle for number two (oh wait, I forgot about the relationship to porn and alcohol…better make it number eight or so).

Sex: Men need it…so do you…can't we just get along?


Communication: Fear them and their powers of communication. All women are connected to what is called "The Network." Ever wonder how they all found out about that one stupid thing you did in front of just a single female? That information and all your vital stats were instantly transmitted to every other woman in the world. There is a 50,000-dollar reward for any who can figure out how to access this network.

Relationship With Friends: When a woman is with her friends, their beings bond to become one. She retains no independent thought. They are like an army of ants, all one mind, and if you disrupt them, they will swarm all over you and kill you. Men…if she is with her friends, RUN!! There is no hope. She will bash your and your manliness until you are crying for mercy. The amount of power they have is linearly dependant on the quantity and proximity of other women. Leave the country…there is a boat to Cuba leaving at midnight…it is safer than staying here.

Sex: About 90% of women need to feel loved and cared for, and need to have a firm foundation in their relationship before they will even consider sex. Being at W.P.I., you will want to go after the other 10%, and most of them can put theirlegs behind there head. But a word of warning…get a friends opinion first, because she may be the hottest thing on two legs, but when you sober up, I hope for your sake she has ONLY two legs.

Use this information wisely, and if any of you females out there are bored, just drop me a line.

The views and ideals presented here do not necessarily represent those of all the voices in my head…

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