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Tuesday, April 10, 2001 A Publication of the Newspeak Association Volume No. 66, Issue 10

Front Page
-Student Pugwash conference calls for individual responsibility
-Tough Questions, Real Answers
-Student techniques for procrastination abound

News
-News Headlines
-NASA hopes to snap losing streak with Odyssey
-Scientists say precious metals originated in neutron-star
-Police Log

Opinions
-Extremists and the men who hate them
-Imposter rents videos, seeks psychiatric help
-China joins lengthening string of leadership tests for Bush
-Tax Cut Reminiscent of "Trickle-Down" Economics
-The little things...

Letters to the Editor
-Response to Mr. Sherman's Letter
-A spring scene at WPI

Features
-Free Stuff Anyone? lastest job fair supplies goodies
-New special interest housing approved

Arts & Entertainment
-Annual Metal and Hardcore fest stomps through Worcester again
-WWPI brings The Carla Ryder Band to WPI
-Shane Koyczan's poetry infuses audience with energy
-Vapor Transmission tour visits the Palladium
-What's Happening

Announcements
-Club Corner

Sports
-Women's Lacrosse flattens Framingham 19-2
-Kaufman named national coaching VP
-Score Board
-Upcoming Contests

The Little Things...


by Odin's Eye

"…There is nothing quite as wonderful as money. There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash…"

As all freshmen know, the average student doesn't use anywhere near the amount of meals they are given by the meal plan that they are forced to get. Res-Services and Chartwells offers two basic types of meal plans to students who live on campus. The 180 plan (now known as the 190 plan), preferred by most students for its flexibility, allows the user to use extra meals to get his friends in. Also, unused meals are lost every semester, and not every week. The other plans, such as the 14 and 19 are more ridged, but have more "Points" available to students. This year there is a new option, the V.I.P. plan. This allows students to use meals in the new Campus Center, but costs a substantial amount more.

These plans may seem all well and good, but are there better options? Could Res-Services make new plans that would better cater to a students needs? I was recently sitting in R.A. training and the subject of meal plans came up. I began thinking to myself (well of course I was thinking to myself…who else would I be thinking to), "this is a difficult and confusing subject…I bet I can make it more so." After, when a very attractive young woman (also an R.A.) asked me what it would be about this week, I realized I had no idea, but quickly put the two events together and developed a list of meal plans that work FOR the students, not for the budget of the school.

The Zeno Plan: This plan would be exactly like the 190 plan, with one major exception. Every time a student uses his card for meals or points, rather than deduct a specific amount, half of the remaining amount is deducted. This way, students will, every time it is used, get closer to no money by half, then half again, and so on. If this plan was instituted, I guarantee that it would be the most popular one available.

The Pentagon Plan: Simple, you payout four hundred times what you get back in return. This would be slightly less popular than the rest.

The Campus Center Plan: You pay a lot of money with the promise of an incredible plan, but when you actually get it, you find that most of that money you spent has gone towards unnecessary and ugly esthetics for your meal card, and you only get half the promised frills due to constant set backs in the development of the plan.

The Skull Plan: I'm sorry, but you can't have this plan…you are not one of the chosen ones.

The Crew Plan: Meals may only be used before 6:00am or after 8:00pm. Points can also only by people in groups of eight with the consent of a smaller, leader-type person.

The Free Time Plan: YEAH RIGHT!!! You're a funny person. You must be new here, so I'll forgive you this time.

The Network Plan: The best plan possible! So much better than everyone else's, and the envy of the other freshman. Unfortunately, the plan will randomly stop letting you eat altogether and will wait till you are near death before it will work again. Also, any attempts to contact the school for help will result in being laughed out of the office.

I hope Res-Services and Chartwells will take some of these ideas into consideration, and as inventor, I will also expect a hefty kickback. We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality…BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…


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