"Hello, I'm Brad Shallow..." "...and I'm Jill Perky. And this is the Channel One Totally Honest Evening News."
"In Congress today, several key bills were passed that may alter the legislative process, raise or lower your taxes, change the way you do business, or become laws that you will be expected to obey. We will not be covering these items, though, so that we can replay the videotape of Newt Gingrich's mother calling Hillary Clinton a bitch. Jill?"
"A fringe environmental group today issued a proclamation saying that the world would end 'sometime next Thursday afternoon.' The group offered no scientific corroboration for this announcement, and we did not ask for any. We will be presenting this proclamation as objective fact, and when it does not come true, we will completely fail to notice. Back to you, Brad."
"In Roxchester tonight, people were brutally murdered. You did not know these people, and there was nothing you could have done to help them. While this event will have little-to-no bearing on your life, we will show enough graphic detail, including splattered blood and weeping relatives, to make you feel depressed and unsafe no matter where you live. Jill?"
"In Los Angeles today the O.J. Simpson trial continued. While no new evidence was presented, reams of unsubstantiated allegations, insults, and unbelievable rumors were spread by both the prosecution and defense in an effort to sway public opinion and otherwise obfuscate the facts of the case. Channel One will report every sordid detail to you, assisting in this smokescreen and contributing to the day when Simpson is acquitted in spite of a list of physical evidence as long as your arm. We will now pause for station identification."
"Next on A Hard Affair: This man, a convicted murderer, claims that the CIA used a mind-control device to make him commit his crimes. Instead of treating him like the nut and liar he is, we will give him a half-hour of sympathetic prime-time television coverage to rant about his delusions, allowing him to inspire other loony-toons and further erode your confidence in your country and culture. Tune in to 'Spooky Svengalis,' tonight on A Hard Affair."
"Perverts, emotional cripples, exhibitionists, and scum...all on the next Oprah-Jesse Rivera! Exclusively on Channel One - New England's totally honest television station!"
"I'm Jill Perky, and we now return to the Channel One Totally Honest Evening News. We will now be showing a ten-second segment mentioning that child molestation charges against a nursery-school operator in Lexingcord were dismissed as 'spurious and without basis.' Despite the fact we devoted at least three minutes of wild speculation to this item every night last week, continuously referred to the man in question as an 'alleged child molester,' and destroyed his reputation and business, we will in no way, shape, or form acknowledge or apologize for our mistake."
"Didn't think we would, Brad. In medical news tonight, we will be examining the question 'Do Cellular Phones Cause Brain Cancer?' As always, we let the viewer be the judge!"
"What if the viewer isn't an oncolologist, medical physicist, or some other person with the years of experience and education necessary to understand the question?"
"Not to worry, Brad; we'll be oversimplifying, quoting out of context, and presenting so much dubious or just plain wrong information that it would be impossible for them to reach a valid conclusion if they were Nobel Laureates in Medicine! Additionally, in the interest of creating controversy we'll be including inflammatory sound bites from 'experts' on both sides of the issue. In accordance with our station policy, no attempt will be made to distinguish the reputable scientists from the 'cranks.'"
"And finally, in the Nation's capital and in Little Rock the Whitewater investigations continue. This scandal has resulted in the indictments and/or resignations of key Clinton administration officials, instigated the suicide or murder of Vince Foster, and may lead to the impeachment of the President of the United States. In light of our overwhelming liberal bias and the fact that the situation can not be summarized in ten words or less, we will be ignoring it entirely."
"Thanks, Brad. And I'm Jill Perky..." "...and I'm Brad Shallow. And this has been the Channel One Totally Honest Evening News."