THE LIBERAL IMAGE
You're an ardent environmentalist, perhaps even a tree-spiker. You spend your days lobbying for more social programs and higher taxes to pay for them, and listen to Peter Gabriel and Grateful Dead CD's at night. When you were in college you protested in favor of speech codes, shouted down conservative speakers, and refused to study Shakespeare because he was a Dead White European Male. In short, you're a liberal!
But you have needs, too. Where are you going to find the products and services you need to assist you in your redistributionist, success-punishing, government-expanding lifestyle? Who is going to help you as you slash defense spending and nationalize health care? It sure isn't the phallocratic minority-oppressing capitalist system! Who, then?
We are. At The Liberal Image, we are dedicated to finding those items that best help you Help Others - whether they want help or not. Give our fine products a try; not only will you wonder how you got along without them, you'll soon be lobbying your congressperson to make them an entitlement (paid for by higher taxes on cigarettes, liquor, and handguns, of course)!
Just see what we have to offer...
Bad Book Detector: Finding and destroying political incorrectness is a full-time job. With so many books like The Real Anita Hill and Who Stole Feminism? on the market, who has the time to actually read a book before determining whether it's good or bad, much less right or wrong? Well, with our Bad Book Detector, reading books like The Way Things Ought to Be to judge their merits can be a thing of the past! (Not that we're implying you were reading them - wink, wink!) Just point it at a copy of Dan Quayle's Standing Firm and watch the red light go on; aim it at Jane Mayer and Jill Abramson's Strange Justice and the display stays a cool green. If you're in academia, AFL-CIO, EPA, or anywhere else where "left is right" you can't afford to be without it! Requires 2 9V batteries (not included); comes with a copy of Rush Limbaugh's See, I Told You So for calibration. Endorsed by The New York Times Review of Books.
"I Don't Talk to the Military" T-shirt: Let's face it - if God wanted us to have armed forces, then She wouldn't have given us brilliant diplomats like Jimmy Carter and Warren Christopher! Let the Jackboots 'n' Swagger-Stick crowd know just how you feel about them with this 100% cotton, pre-shrunk T-shirt, made only by non-exploited third-world labor working in economic collectives and eating vegetarian diets. Perfect for twentysomething White House staffers talking - that is, not talking - to Generals of 30+ years experience. Comes in S,M,L,XL, and DS (Donna Shalala). Also available in sweatshirts and dashikis.
KunstlerWear: Maybe you can't be a radical lawyer, but you can sure dress like one! Include pre-loosened tie, rumpled white shirt with sleeves rolled up and neck open, threadbare brown slacks, and cheap penny loafers. Black plastic-rim half-glasses on a cord (to be worn on the forehead) optional. "The client is obviously guilty..." of left-wing hipness in the first degree!
Rush Limbaugh Dartboard: Tired of just casting aspersions at Rush? Now there's a better way to make sure he gets your "point." Great for relieving tension caused when you hear how the Vain Brain's audience keeps growing...and growing...and growing.... Set includes board and six darts; five day waiting period required under the Brady Law.
David Kessler's A Child's First Food and Drug Testing Lab: Under the leadership of David Kessler, FDA regulations have proliferated like maggots, entire inventories have been seized and destroyed without court orders, and medical papers detailing unforeseen positive side effects of promising drugs have been suppressed. Now your child can help him! Lab includes seizure orders for 12000 gallons of orange juice (declared unsafe because the words "made from concentrate" were not in large enough print on the label), warnings prohibiting drug manufacturers from giving doctors information on off-label uses of drugs, plans to criminalize voluntary tobacco use, one dozen laboratory rats, and doses of common food additives such as saccharine in such large quantities that a human would have to eat a ton of the stuff a day to get the equivalent dose. Watch those pharmaceutical manufacturers squirm and the GNP drop! WARNING: Testing process may cause cancer in laboratory rats.
All prices subject to massive cost overruns. If a product should not perform as specified, you didn't spend enough; please send us more money.