In accordance with this column's long tradition of public service, we will now present an in-depth report on the telephone solicitation business, concluding with a fair and unbiased analysis of the best way to eradicate this vile pestilence.
What can one say of telephone solicitors that hasn't already been said of John Wayne Gacy, Jeffery Dahmer, or Richard Speck? Actually, this is probably an unjust comparison; while the above gentlemen were mass murderers and rapists, they were never accused or convicted of calling their victims at 10:00 PM on a weekday night and trying to sell them insurance. Also, all of the previously-mentioned villains are dead, which makes them far better company than a live telemarketer.
The purpose of the telephone solicitor, whether commercial or charitable, is simple: To cause you as much annoyance and inconvenience as humanly possible. Any profits reaped by these pimples on the face of humanity are purely secondary to the orgasmic joy they feel upon hearing you scream, which you are most likely doing because you were dragged, sopping wet and with shampoo in your eyes, from the bathtub to be asked to make a donation to the Susan Smith For Mother Of The Year Committee. In all fairness, though, it is NOT known whether the telemarketing industry does this because it is a collection of sadists and perverts, or because it is a Satanic conspiracy plotting to bring about hell on earth. We urge Congressional hearings (to be chaired by senator Jesse Helms).
By now some of you might be saying "Winston, you're overreacting." You might even be saying "Is it really so terrible that these people invade your privacy, insult your intelligence, and try to sell you merchandise that a used car salesman would consider unethical? Why don't..." Why aren't you saying anything else? Ah, I see you just got a call from V. Scroohem Goode, Discount Stockbrokers, who are trying to sell you a thousand shares of USAir (MOTTO: "It's highly unlikely that YOUR flight will crash!"). Oh well, I'm sure you'll get back to me sometime in the next geological era. Or maybe not; fossils of the second-to-last dinosaur, the Penultisaurus (from Latin, meaning "Lizard Who Wonders Where All His Lizard Buddies Have Gone.") indicate that it died of starvation while trying to politely end a phone conversation with the last dinosaur, the Huckstersaurus (from Swedish, meaning "Scaly Little Bastard Who'd Pawn His Own Mother For Beer Money."), which was trying to sell the Penultisaurus a Ten Step E-Z Evolution Home Study Course ("Grow opposable thumbs! Become warm-blooded! Hours of Family Entertainment!"). The Huckstersaurus did not become extinct. It evolved into a political consultant.
Glad to see that you're back! How did you get rid of that stockbroker? My, that is a novel use for a common kitchen utensil! And without lubricants...but I digress.
By now you, the reader, are probably asking yourself "Winston, how can I help rid our country of this foul scourge? Why has nobody called this menace to my attention before? Should Jesse Helms really be chairing those Congressional hearings?" To answer the last question first: No, Jesse Helms should not be chairing those hearings, since his solution will probably involve large tobacco subsidies to southern states. We recommend the hearings be chaired by Senator Strom Thurmond (R.- OLD) who, being quite possibly dead, would be largely immune to influence from special-interest groups. It should be noted that Senator Thurmond's probable demise in no way disqualifies him from running for re-election in 1996. The reason this situation was not previously brought to your attention is unknown at this time, but is believed to have something to do with large "consulting" fees going to Secretary of Commerce Ron "The Best Cabinet Member Money Can Buy" Brown.
Fortunately, though, some defenses do exist against these repugnant vermin. The popular method of asking a telephone solicitor to "Give me your home phone number, and I'll call YOU at ten o'clock at night!" has proven ineffective because telephone solicitors rarely have homes; like most maggots, when tired they just burrow into the nearest convenient manure pile. My personal favorite method is to take the call, put the telephone solicitor on hold, and go out for a beer. This method has two advantages: 1) It wastes the telephone solicitor's time and puts him behind in his sales quota, and 2) I get to drink a beer.
If you have a favorite method for getting rid of telephone solicitors please send it to me c/o Newspeak or reach me by email at newspeak@wpi.wpi.edu, and I may use it in a future column. Alternatively, you can call me, and I'd love to hear what you have to say; if you'll just please hold on a minute I'll be right back...