[Ed. Note: The following commentary was submitted by an author who wishes to remain anonymous nad has chosen to use a pen name. The opinions do not necessarily represent those of the Newspeak Staff.]
SHERWOOD FOREST - In a surprise move today Robin of Locksley - crusader, baron, and formerly the outlaw known as 'Robin Hood' - announced that he would not seek re-appointment to his current office of Lord of Nottingham. "Nottinghamshire has gone to blazes," Robin stated bluntly in an exclusive Assimilated Press interview, "and I for one see no way out of her predicament."
Robin's problems began soon after the defeat of Prince John and the restoration of Richard the Lion-Hearted to the throne. 'The Merry Men broke up almost immediately," he remembered. "Basically, we were a coalition against Prince John rather than for anything, and when John went down so did the coalition. I think last straw was when I refused to change the group's name. They said that 'Merry Men' was politically incorrect." Ironic smile. "They wanted to call themselves the 'Jocularly-Enhanced Persons.'"
The months following saw most of Robin's closest advisors resigning or being dismissed in disgrace. "Friar Tuck was the first to go. He stormed out in a huff because I didn't collectivize agriculture and turn my family lands over to the communes. Last I heard he had embraced Liberation Theology and went to Peru to fight for the Shining Path terrorists."
"I had to ask for Little John's resignation when he was indicted for diverting Sherwood Intelligence Agency funds to help the Contras. He didn't go quietly," continued Robin with typical understatement. "Little John called a press conference and declared that the Sheriff of Nottingham and I had conspired to keep Prince John on the throne until after Richard had returned from the Crusades." Robin's beleaguered administration managed to discredit the so-called 'August Surprise' accusations, but his popularity suffered a severe blow. Little John, now president of the Sherwood Forest Teamsters Union (AFL-CIO), maintains the truth of his claims to this day.
Robin was candid about his failures. "My biggest mistake, though, had to be the Tax Reform Act of 1196. Everything else I think we could have weathered." Better known as the Rob-From-The-Rich-And-Give-To-The-Poor Plan, the Tax Reform Act was an unmitigated disaster. "Most of the rich divested their Sherwood Forest holdings and moved to Camelot, where capital-gains taxes had just been cut and indexed to inflation. The rest used massive layoffs and downsizing to preserve their capital." The social services provisions of the Tax Reform Act also came under severe criticism. "I still maintain that the Elvish Midnight Basketball League helped lower the enchantment rate, but I take full blame for the 12,000,000 pound appropriation to make Lawrence Welk's birthplace a national monument." The last measure was overwhelmingly condemned when it was learned that Lawrence Welk was not born in Nottingham.
Even if Robin were seeking re-appointment, it is questionable whether he could achieve it. "Robin's alienated his core constituency," said Fletcher Pierce, local chairman of the National Longbow Association. "His rebellion against the old Sheriff was everything the NLA stood for. Now, though, he's making legitimate bow owners the scapegoats for his failed policies. This five day waiting period on crossbow purchases, the ban on assault catapults...it's just not right. Arrows don't kill people, people kill people!"
It is widely believed that Robin's personal problems were the deciding factor in his declining to seek re-appointment. "The separation between me and Maid Marian is public knowledge," Robin confirmed. "Things started to get rocky when Eleanor of Aquitaine claimed I'd had a fourteen-year affair with her. The end came when I disbanded Marian's Health Care Task Force. That she publicly called me 'anti-feminist' for vetoing the Peasant's Leave Act didn't help matters." Robin was put under further strain when court minstrel and former Merry Man Will Scarlet quit his cabinet post after announcing he was gay. Maid Marian has since changed her name to Womyn Marian and accepted a teaching position in Gender Studies and Public Policy. Scarlet is currently opening for Melissa Etheridge.
Despite everything, Robin remains optimistic. "I'm looking forward to my return to private life. I've got my barony to think about, my archery could use a bit of practice, and the Holy Land still needs to be liberated. Besides, if I get bored I can always exercise my droit de seigneur" he added, glancing at a chambermaid bearing a stack of official-looking documents. "The way I see it, things can only get better from here."
Robin picked up the documents. As he examined them his face became expressionless.
"It's Marian." A long pause. "She's suing me for sexual harassment."