Just a Thought - The Fuzzy End of the Lollipop

"I wanted milk, and got a bottle.

I wanted parents, and got a toy.

I wanted to talk, and got a book.

I wanted to learn and got reports.

I wanted to think and got knowledge...

I wanted to be free and got discipline.

I wanted to love and got morality

I wanted a calling and got a job.

I wanted happiness and was given money.

I wanted freedom and got a car.

I wanted meaning and got a career.

I wanted hope and got fear.

I wanted to change and received sympathy.

I wanted to live..."

At first glance, the student's summation of his life seems to be a commentary on how difficult it is in life to get what you really want, to know what we want, and to be free to get it. The note raises some other questions for me: How do we learn what we really need, so we can tell if what our parents and teachers and society give us is the real deal or just something "They Think We Need" and is in reality a load of garbage. And if we are not "getting what we need", how do we learn to get it?

By now you probably have a headache from these deep philosophical questions I am raising and are ready to find the comics. I confess this is heavy stuff, especially for the first column of the year. (Whatever happened to the "What I did last summer" column, right!) Maybe next week; for now I can't get this note from this student out of my head... and my soul.

It is stuck in my crawl partly because my best friend in graduate school committed suicide at age 30. Michael was the brightest student and the best preacher in our class. Yet at 30, he had been divorced, was struggling in his church, and still trying to find the self-esteem that would allow him to accept himself and use the many gifts God gave him. As one of his friends, looking from the outside, I thought Michael had gotten what he wanted and needed in life. I guess now that wasn't true.

What has all this got to do with taking courses, writing papers, doing IQPs and MQPs and working toward a degree and trying to find some clue to where your life goes next? Maybe a lot, maybe nothing. I confess that I am trying to make sense of the senseless, trying to find some reason, someone to blame, someone or something I can point to and say, "There, that is why this student committed suicide... that is why my friend Michael gave up hope...".

As my astute daughter pointed out, there is no clear why. After reading the note left by the grad student, she looked at me and said, "Well Dad, he just got the fuzzy end of the lollipop." That's it, I said to her. "That's it", she said... "Not all of us can handle it."

I didn't like that answer. Probably because it is the best answer... the only answer that fits. As much as I would like to find some nice and neat answer that would explain why the student didn't get what he wanted or why he couldn't get it or if he asked for what he wanted... there is no nice and neat answer. Rather it may simply force is to ask ourselves if we can handle those times and moments when we get stuck with the "fuzzy end of the lollipop".

For me, that is where God's grace comes in. Knowing I won't get all of what I want or need and sometimes I don't get anything I need or want... at least I know that in my life and in your life God enters in and soothes those hurts and lifts us when we fall flat. Grace can get you through a lot when nothing seems to work... when all you get is the "fuzzy end of the lollipop".