If you asked him, Peter would tell you that he's happy. Externally, he appears happy. However, Peter has a secret that he hasn't shared with anyone. He is terrified of writing his senior thesis. He has a gut-wrenching fear that he does not have the intellectual capacity to research and write a scholarly piece of literature. Despite all evidence to the contrary, Peter has held this secret fear as long as he can remember. Whenever he gets an A on a test or paper, his immediate thought is, "The test was easy. The professor didn't grade very hard." Or, "If I got an A on this, then either the professor gave everyone an A or he is an idiot for not seeing what a piece of junk this paper is." When people congratulate him for playing a good match in tennis, he thinks, "The other person made a lot of mistakes, that's all. It didn't take any real skill to do what I did." He devalues anything that he does that takes intellectual effort because deep down inside he believes that, really, he is fundamentally stupid and has just been getting by for all these years fooling people. Peter lives with an insidious, nagging fear that some day his true, stupid self is going to be exposed and everyone will see that they've been duped.
Peter is not fully aware that he thinks he is stupid. It is a very deep-seated belief that he holds about himself that plays in his head much like a repetitive tape. He has heard this nagging voice over and over for so many years that it has become a natural part of the way he experiences his world. This unconscious belief manifests itself in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. Before Peter attempts to do something that he's never done, he finds himself thinking, "You fool. You won't be able to do this. You can't figure this out. You're too stupid." If he is under pressure to do something, such as winning the final game of the tennis match, he begins to sweat and often makes a mistake. Then he beats on himself unmercifully, telling himself how stupid he is, how he can never do anything right, how he knew he'd blow it. More obviously, but still unconsciously, Peter tries to overcompensate for feeling intellectually inadequate by using complex vocabulary and by saying things to put down his friends' intelligence, such as, "You didn't know that? I thought everyone learned that in the third grade!"
Many of us have these unhealthy "personal lies." The personal lie is the most dominant negative belief that we have formed about ourselves that we have come to believe through the years of repetition. This thought is the foundation upon which we construct our realities. Lots of people say negative things to themselves on occasion. After a relationship breakup Laura may tell herself that she's ugly, and that's what caused the breakup. If Jim loses his wallet he may berate himself by saying that he never does anything right. You may ask, "But I have several negative thoughts of myself. Are they all personal lies?" The image that I like to borrow from Sondra Ray, author of the book Loving Relationships, is that the personal lie is the hand that holds all of the balloons of smaller beliefs. For example, Laura may think, "I'm ugly" or "Nobody likes me" or "My boyfriend doesn't really love me, he's just putting up with me." These are certainly negative beliefs, but if she asks herself, "Why am I ugly? Why doesn't anyone like me? Why doesn't my boyfriend love me?" she might come to see that on a deeper level she truly believes that "I am unlovable." This is the "father lie," so to speak. Because she feels unlovable, she will believe other negative beliefs about herself.
Often, the way we behave in the world is a direct result of the way we think about ourselves. We may not even be aware that the personal lie is affecting everything we do. We can either compulsively act out the personal lie, or we can project it onto others. We may act in ways that cause others to validate our fears about ourselves. Peter believes he is stupid; therefore, he expects himself to do or say "stupid things." Laura thinks she is unlovable, so she expects people to reject her. Even if they don't reject her immediately, she knows it is only a matter of time before they realize that she doesn't deserve their love and attention. She winds up acting as though she is unworthy and, eventually, men reject her. Scott's unconscious personal lie is that he's a burden, but instead of feeling as though he is a burden, he gets exasperated with people in his life who are close to him and finds them to be burdens. These unconscious patterns only reinforce what we already believe to be true!
If, despite your desires, the results you are seeing in your life are not what you want to be seeing, you may be the victim of an unconscious personal lie. Ask yourself, "What is the thing I am most afraid for other people to see about me?" and "The reason I can't get what I want out of life is..." Your answer may turn up a personal lie. What do you do once you've discovered this negative belief? The first thing is to realize IT IS NOT TRUE!!! Take your lie and convert it to the truth: its exact opposite. For example, if you discover that you have been saying to yourself, "I'm bad" or "I'm not good enough" or "I can't..." or "I don't deserve to be here," turn those thoughts around to: "I'm good enough!" and "I can!" and "I am worthy of being here!" Say your new truth to yourself as a mantra - when you look in the mirror, while you are driving, when you feel down. It is very effective to write your affirmation 10-20 times a day. Life is difficult enough. We don't need to make it harder by treating ourselves unkindly. Learning to treat yourself gently, to love yourself, will bring surprising, positive results. Get Ready!
If reading this article has raised some questions or concerns that you would like to discuss, please feel free to contact me at the Counseling and Student Development Center, x5540, or via e-mail at: dawnfitz@wpi. I look forward to hearing from you!
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