Dave never seems to be able to get through a day without losing it over one thing or another. He stays cool most of the time, even in the most frustrating of situations, only to blow up later over the smallest thing. His anger comes on quickly, seemingly out of nowhere. Dave vents his anger by yelling at whomever is close by or punching a wall; then he is able to get back on track quickly. He's comfortable with his anger, but others consider him a time bomb and keep at arm's length, especially when he's been drinking.
Monica is the nicest person you'd ever want to meet. Her friends can't ever remember seeing her angry, even in the most challenging of situations. Monica considers her own and others' anger dangerous; she's overcome her own urges to be angry and avoids the anger of others as well. Monica feels frustrated when others take advantage of her good nature; she can't understand how others could be so mean to her. As a result of her style of relating to others, Monica often feels overwhelmed, frustrated, and depressed.
Monica, Dave, and Mike all have something in common: they have all come to manage their anger in an unhealthy manner. Anger, like all our emotions, is an important signal. Anger tells us that something is not right, that we feel we have been wronged in some way and need to take some action to correct something in our lives. Our anger is an important source of information and motivation to act in order to protect ourselves from physical, emotional, and interpersonal threats. Anger is unhealthy only when we are unable to experience and/or express it in some constructive manner.
Everyone develops their own particular ways of managing anger, usually for very good reasons. What you don't know about Monica is that she was punished by her parents whenever she expressed her anger while growing up. Her anger in fact was unsafe. Dave's parents were preoccupied with their own problems, constantly arguing. The only way he could get through to them was to blow up at them or his sisters or brothers. Mike is really depressed, so weakened by his own self-criticism he can't stand to hear it from anyone else. In a sense they've all come up with very adaptive ways to adjust to unhealthy situations. Their problem with anger is more along the lines of not having had the opportunity to adapt to current, hopefully more healthy, situations and relationships.
The anger signal can be likened to waiting for an important phone call. We hear the ring and usually respond by picking up the phone. While on the phone we may find out important information about ourselves or others. Monica chooses never to answer the phone; Dave doesn't even hear the phone most of the time, and when he finally answers the person on the other end is screaming; and Mike is constantly on the phone so no one else can get through. None of them are utilizing their anger in the constructive manner for which it is meant, and all of them, in their own ways, are paying a price.
Effectively managing our anger doesn't mean just making it go away, it s figuring out how to creatively use it to solve problems. First, we can all become more knowledgeable about our own particular anger signals. What happens to you physiologically, cognitively, and emotionally when you are angry? How does your body react to anger; what are you thinking; can you describe your anger in terms of different types and intensities? This is learning how to hear the phone ringing even when it's on low volume or has a different sound to it. After getting the anger signal we can work towards understanding more fully what it has to say to us. What caused this anger? Who or what is associated with it? Am I misinterpreting anything in this situation? Whom can I talk with to help me understand this anger better?
Finally, after hearing the phone ring and answering it, it is the responsibility of each of us to decide how, if at all, we should take action. Is this anger worth responding to? What do I stand to gain (or lose) by expressing this anger? How can I express this anger constructively? Do I have any control over this situation? Of course, so often it seems unrealistic to be able to get to the point of asking ourselves these questions without having blown up, reacting impulsively to the anger. The key here is to buy ourselves the time we need to understand our anger. This can be approached by increasing our ability to stay calm; taking deep breaths, taking time out from the situation, knowing our warning signals and interrupting anger sooner, or engaging in a daily program of self-relaxation or meditation. The key is taking control of your anger, minimizing the number of times your anger takes control of you.
The healthy expression of our feelings is captured in the phrase, "feel the feeling, choose the behavior." With our anger, as with other feelings, we must learn how to listen to and understand what is being said to us. Then we must take on the responsibility of deciding how we should constructively act based on that message. It is a costly proposition to come to terms with our anger by denying it, ignoring it, or using it against others. We lose a piece of ourselves and our sense of connectedness with others. Coming to terms with our anger is more than just making it go away; it's getting to know our anger better and learning how to use it to better manage our lives. (To be continued)
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