Let me offer my two reassuring cents and say that I've the petal to the metal, my nose to the grindstone, my eye on the ball, my toe on the line, and a grind in the groove. The paperwork is quieting its hurricane-like roar, the money is slowing its flood, and your ENGINEER is graduating on May 18th! It's about time, yes, yes, I know. I'd save the preaching about my future for tomorrow - there'll be plenty of time to agonize about the student loans in the coming months. I will be floating about in a flowing gown with thoughts far from my bills and my responsibilities. I will be thinking about how you are managing at the graduation!
For the last four years, the graduations have been sunny, packed with people of all shapes and sizes, and difficult to drive about in. You'll see some families dressed in their Sunday best, in shorts and T-shirts, and in clothes that need washing. I'd like to see you in something summery and decent that won't bind or chafe you in the beautiful outdoors. Walking shoes will help you get from your car to the campus, to the apartment, and to your car again. Okay, maybe maneuvering your car about town won't be all that bad. Just think though how much you like it when you're driving at home and the person in front of you has no idea what lane to be in. Is it frustrating? Count on that happening at the graduation.
Plant services masterfully will install the entire contents of one or two nurseries throughout the campus during the two weeks before the big day; flabbergasted students are forced to reconcile their nasty, grim portrayals of the campus in letters home. We've always figured that since a lot of the parents here pay for the entire tuition for the entire four years, they ought to get a fancy show for that one day. Can you imagine the conversations? "I paid 90,000 dollars to send my son to this school - I'd better well see some blooming flowers!" It's hysterical (if only for a moment before the tears come at the thought of what 90,000 dollars could do besides pay for tastefully uprooted flowers and shrubs).
During graduation, the graduates roast. It's traditional to cook in the cap and gown for two and a half hours. Everybody else can get up and walk around, although there will be students with little red armbands on that will try to tell you what to do to maintain some order. These students aren't listened to very readily - again, remember that if you're one of the parents that forked over that enormous lump of money, you're not going to let some wimpy 20 year old stand in your way of getting as close as possible to your kid and shouting, "YEAH!" "GO, JOE!" In the closest building there are two bathrooms, and the men traditionally have NO problem. There has never been a line snaking down the hallway from the men's bathrooms. Try not to feel the urge to throttle. There will be a water fountain for your use, and an open bookstore and snack shop to lighten your wallet.
5,000 people can stay quiet for only so long, and then they begin to get rowdy. Luckily, it's timed right when the students start walking the plank. I've heard whistling rockets, fog horns, and even booing. Most people just clap. If I don't hear some significant noise at the mention of my name, heads are going to roll! I mean it! The chairs fill up VERY fast on the campus. Especially the optimal chairs in the shade. Sitting is great, I imagine - but it's not the easiest thing to worm through the people crammed in 4 or 5 layers deep standing all around the sitting area like a fortress of sentinels. Four or five boxes containing programs will be stampeded on by the graduating families before the ceremony begins. Send one of the younger crew to scout out a box and direct him to pocket a half-dozen. The programs double as fans in the blazing noon heat. It's possible that at the time of my walking up, there will be a wall of people standing in front of you blocking all hope for pictures. Anticipate that and rush to the front. Yes, you won't be alone in thinking that - but you'll be moving, and it will feel good to be doing something.
Imagine you are sitting in two giant rectangles side-by-side, and are facing forward. The graduates will come, in rows of two, from in front of you, over a scenic bridge, alongside the rightmost side to the back, and through the middle to their designated seats. Take pictures! Call out their names! Take the lens off the video camera!
The ceremony is pretty good - I haven't heard too many torturous clichés and analogies over the years. For a game, try to match up the colors of the faculty gowns and sashes with the listing given in the program. Another way to pass the time is to moan about how hot it is, how many students have put their caps on wrong, that weird person over there climbing a tree, etc. The time will pass, eventually. To the left of the podium, as you will see it, is a prime spot you should know about. The students face this area as they leave with their false sheepskin. Be strong, use your elbows, and wedge yourself a spot in there. It's very good picture taking territory. Some people are able to sneak around the white fencing and crouch for an unobstructed, perfectly immobile, picture taking fantasy. The students with the red armbands will try to prevent that, I assure you.
Cap throwing has been dismal in the past four years. I wouldn't save a last photo for that one. It will be difficult to find me once the ceremony has finished. I'm not going to make it difficult intentionally! Keep your patience and remember what I look like. Some parents come with roses, champagne, keys to new cars - you know the routine fed to us by television. Wait to show me the new car for a few minutes, would you? For the moment I'll just want a few flowers to hang onto to brighten my weary, over-photographed mug. I might be thirsty too. There's a reception in the gym to the left. Families go there to hide out from the sun, grab a bite to eat, and mistakenly hope it will be easier to drive if they let the majority of the people leave. That strategy just might work. But I'll tell you now you'll have better crowd thinning chances at a movie theater.
It's on to the dinner and the parties. I haven't any fantastic parties lined up. I just want to be pampered and congratulated for awhile. Cards, gifts, praise - now is not the time to stay silent! Hunger will be a dominating theme but no matter how many restaurants there are in this berg and its neighbors, there just won't be enough, and your steak just won't hit your plate fast enough. Munch on the bread they provide and smile. Graduation was a success! Trust me.
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