When someone leaves us suddenly, or unexpectedly, however, dealing with the loss becomes more complicated. First, we have to face the way that the loss occurred. Was it a tragic accident? A deliberate death, such as a suicide, which often leaves many unanswered questions? Usually, in this case, our first reaction is shock, numbness of body and emotions. Later, when we have processed the initial shock, our feelings may run the gamut from denial ("she didn't really mean that she doesn't love me anymore; she'll come back if I just...") to anger ("that is SO SELFISH of him to die; didn't he even think about how I would feel after he's gone?") to guilt ("I should have noticed that she was depressed lately...") to sadness ("I miss my Mom so much it hurts..."). We may experience panic or anxiety ("I just can't live without her...") or intense fear, ("this could happen to me, too"). We have to manage our feelings of grief and how we will deal with closure since "we never got to say goodbye." This is what we call the impact stage of dealing with loss. Often, our feelings and moods swing back and forth. One day we may feel fine, and then, suddenly, seemingly out of the blue, we may be overcome by sadness. A few days later, we may become so angry that we want to scream. Depending on how big a part of our lives the person or thing was, the impact of the loss can be felt for weeks, or months, or even years.
At some point, if we have allowed ourselves to experience the anger, the guilt, the sadness, the blame, we stop feeling so intensely and are able to take an honest look at how the loss has affected us. We are able to accept the loss and weave it into the fabric of our lives, so that it becomes another part of who we are. We may never forget the person or thing, but eventually the rough edges around the hole that the loss has created become a little less rough. We are able to ask ourselves what we have learned about ourselves, about other people, about life, and about death from having experienced this loss. We come to see that the deep hole carved in our soul by our sorrow can give us that much more room to hold joy and happiness as well. And we are that much more understanding of another person's loss because we have been there, done that.
Loss and separation affects each of us differently, but it does affect all of us at some point in our lives. Some of us move through the stages of grieving quickly, some of us slowly. There is no precise order of emotions or stages of grieving. We may think we have successfully "moved on and put it behind" us only to find that we are suddenly overwhelmed on the anniversary of the loss. When one person in a small community is affected by loss, we are all affected. One person's loss can make the rest of us stop and take stock of our lives. We are not as invulnerable as we may think we are. If we are wise, we can use the experience of one person's loss as an opportunity to draw closer as a community, to become more aware of the people and the goings on around us, and to recognize our own importance in the community.
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