Which brought to mind a few lessons I learned on my sabbatical last Spring. One of the courses I took at my seminary was "Recovery from Bereavement". Our professor on the first day confessed that he had probably mis-named the course. He told us that it should probably be titled something like learning to live with loss and bereavement. His main point in the course was that grief over a loss is a process we experience all our lives, not a task which we can begin and finish within a specific time frame. Rather grief is like a spiral, something which comes and goes, but something we keep dealing with.
I believe that. I have learned over the years that while I do get past the initial, intense feeling of grief and loss, we never just "end" our grief over a loss. We learn to live with our grief.
I think especially these days of my seminary classmate, Michael Maguire. Michael died over 18 years ago, but I don't think a week goes by when I don't think of him. We were inseparable friends. I was student body president, Michael was my vice president. We were in each other's ordination services; I married Michael, and he installed me in my first church. Almost every Saturday night we were on the phone together, despairing over the sermons we had to preach the next day.
When Michael died, a hole opened up in my life which has never and will never be filled. I guess I could use a different analogy to describe a loss or a death. Losing Michael was like losing an arm. It is gone, forever. Nothing, not even an artificial arm can ever take its place. After awhile the immediate pain goes away, but the arm is still gone. The task then, is to learn to live with what is a permanent loss.
It ain't easy. It took me five years before I could begin to face my rage and loss. It was only over time that I realized that I could not and should not try to "replace" Michael in my life. Can't be done. All I got for my efforts was more grief and broken relationships. What I finally had to come to terms with was that no one ever again would be as close a friend to me that Michael was. No one would ever share my passion for ministry or be as intimate a soulmate as Michael and I were for each other. I am blessed with a host of great friends and colleagues who enrich my life and fill it with love and laughter. But there is no other Michael Maguire in my future. So I have learned to live with my loss. And mixed in with the tears is the joy that friendship and how it still influences my life. Almost every Sunday when I put my robe on I wonder how Michael would approach the sermon I am about to give. And I relish the friendship I have with his namesake, my son.
Coping with loss; yes, perhaps. But for me it is more living with loss, allowing myself to hurt and laugh at the same time and know that I will process that grief for as long as I live. I suspect the same is true for all our losses. Easter is near, however, and their new life dawning.