For many years I have tried to make sense out of the relationship I had with my father and how it has affected my life. It wasn't until recently, in my early 30's, that I began to see the impact this relationship had on me and my life. My dad and I very rarely saw eye to eye on anything. We would argue and disagree on most things. I was always trying to prove my point and he likewise. I could never admit that I was wrong because that would make him right...that couldn't happen! It was not a very healthy way of relating, but this was how we did it.
In my early 30's I began to realize that this was how I related to people in general; always arguing to prove my point and not admitting when I was wrong. When I made the connection that how I related to others was the same way I had related to my father, a sense of peace came over me. I became aware that I had a choice to make: I could go on the same way or I could change...it was my decision, not my father's. I decided that I didn't like arguing with people. I admitted to myself that it was all right to be wrong. Though this has come about slowly, it has changed my life. I have had many other realizations about the effect the relationship with my father has had on my way of being. This example is only part of my story. Unfortunately, my father died before I was willing and able to talk with him about this.
I couldn't have talked to him earlier in my life because I was not aware of what to talk about. I had resigned myself to the fact that we did not get along and that was the way it was going to be. I even denied that our relationship had an impact on my life as an adult. Was I wrong! And, I feel, so too is any man who feels that he is not affected by the relationship he had with his father, or that he is not affected because he did not have a father in his life at all.
It is difficult as young men in our late teens and twenties to deal with our fathers. We are trying to separate from the family, to form our own identities. We are in the process of exploring the world, of exploring ourselves, our values, our beliefs. Until we sort through this, how can we claim who we are? Part of who we are comes from our father-and-son story. Now is the time to start thinking about this story, about the relationship you have with your father. It is through our awareness of this story and the choices we make that we can grow, that we can change, that we can become men. What is your story? ...think about it...
The Counseling and Student Development Center will be hosting a discussion entitled "Fathers and Sons" on Tuesday, April 16, from 6:30 to 8:00 PM (location will be published next week, or you may call 831-5540). Fathers and sons will be there to share parts of their stories. All men, young and old, are welcome to attend.