The first step is for us to take responsibility for our own lives. Oftentimes, when we get angry we blame others or say "they should or should not" be doing something. When we do this we take the responsibility for our lives off ourselves and place it on someone else. We can't do this. In order for us to manage our anger we need to be responsible for our lives and the situations into which we get ourselves. We get angry because in some way our needs are not being met. However, we are the only ones who really know and understand our own needs. When we take personal responsibility we then become responsible for fulfilling our needs and not relying on others. It is not the job of other people to take care of us; rather, it is appropriate for each of us to focus on our own needs. I am not suggesting that to manage our anger we become selfish and self-centered, for as humans we need to care for and be respectful of the people with whom we share this life. In this process of taking personal responsibility, people's needs will inevitably conflict. When this happens we each need to negotiate assertively and come to a compromise.
The second step in managing our anger is to take a look at our lives and see what sources of support, nourishment, and appreciation we have on which to draw. If our jobs or the people in our lives do not nourish us or appreciate us, then we need to develop new sources of support. Maybe it is time to move on and find new friends or a new job. The longer we stay in a situation that is not nourishing for us, the more our anger may build.
Another step in this process is to set limits and boundaries as to what is acceptable to us and what is not acceptable to us. We often get angry when people violate our limits and boundaries. When this happens we need to communicate this to them. The key to communicating to someone else involves clearly defining how you feel, what behavior makes you feel that way, and what you want to have happen. We can only do this, though, when we know what our limits and boundaries are.
Finally, we all need to recognize that we have choices. We always have choices as to how we act and react. When we take responsibility for our lives and our actions, when we find supportive and nourishing people to be with, when we communicate our needs, when we set limits and boundaries, we open ourselves up to a world full of choices. But, it is a choice to live this way. There is a simple phrase that sums up how to manage our anger, "Feel the feeling...choose the behavior."
Information for this article was taken from the following books which I recommend for further reading:
When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within by Matthew McKay, Ph.D., Peter D. Rogers, Ph.D., and Judith McKay, R.N.
The Dance of Anger by Harriett Goldhor-Lerner
Letting Go of Anger by Ron Potter-Efron, M.S.W. and Pat Potter-Efron, M.S.