(U-WIRE) MILWAUKEE, Wis. - From the moment America first caught a glimpse of David Caruso's bare cheeks on network television in a racy episode of "NYPD Blue," I knew it would happen eventually.
After years of arm-twisting by parent groups and politicians, the Federal Communications Commission approved a ratings system last week that identifies programs both by age group and objectionable content. The system uses a V for violence, an S for sexual content, an L for foul language and a D for sexually suggestive dialogue.
By the year 2000, new television sets must be equipped with blocking circuitry called the "v-chip" that allows parents to block out shows based on these age and content designations.
Legislators have likened the v-chip to the seat belt for automobiles or the safety cap for medicine bottles, and the FCC has said the chip empowers parents in a way that is "First Amendment-friendly."
While many may sleep more soundly secure in the knowledge that America's youth will soon be safeguarded from the evils of television and the media, a number of scourges of society have been overlooked by the FCC's designations. Yes, "Southpark" may contain a few too many naughty words for the first grade crowd. But foul language and violence isn't all that corrupts our youth.
Here are a few more designations that deserve FCC consideration:
K for Kathie Lee: Blocks out any and all Kathie Lee Gifford programming, including "Live with Regis and Kathie Lee," Carnival Cruise Line commercials, "Hee Haw" reruns and nauseating Christmas specials featuring the saccharin and sickening former "Hee Haw" honey and gushing mother of Cody and Cassedy.
SS for Short Shorts: Blocks painful "Late Show" reruns in which the permed, perky and well-oiled Richard Simmons is reduced to tears by David Letterman.
The SS designation may also be programmed to eliminate all Sally Struthers commercials - whether they feature starving children or earn-a-college-degree-by-mail programs.
FH for "Full House:" Eliminates any episodes of "Full House," or by extension, "America's Funniest Home Videos" - particularly videos of crazy pet antics accompanied by gut-splittingly hilarious commentary by Bob Saget in his best pubescent Peter Brady voice. Also blocks those precious little twin trolls, Mary Kate and Ashley Olson.
TS for Tori Spelling: Blocks out Tori, or anyone else with more plastic in her face than a Rubbermaid factory.
RC for Reality Check: Blocks most shows about high school that star gorgeous, articulate, 20-something Hollywood actors masquerading as 15-year-old punk kids including "Dawson's Creek" and "Saved By The Bell," with the exception of Screech.
The RC designation can also be used to block shows which feature women with implants the size of small African countries (i.e. "Baywatch") or shows featuring airbrushed, stick-thin women with the superhuman ability to not eat (i.e. well, just about any show on the air).
Yes, the v-chip can keep Junior in line and clean up his language. But let's keep in mind that strangling the media with a few flimsy, catch-all regulations won't remove everything that makes our skin crawl.