E40: A Parent Playbook for College

 Welcome to the WPI Podcast. I'm your host, Colleen Wamback, and mom of two college students. And if you thought parenting got easier once your kid packed up the car, hugs you goodbye, and headed off to college, I hate to break it to you, the job description changes, but the job doesn't. Our topic this episode, how do you go from being the CEO of your child's life to serving as a trusted advisor? When do you step in? When do you step back? And how do you support your student without becoming their roommate, academic advisor, therapist, and personal assistant all rolled into one? Whether you're sending your first student to college or your last, today's conversation is packed with practical advice, a few laughs, and reassurance that you're probably doing better than you think. Joining us today is Emily Perlow, WPI Vice President of Student Affairs and Dean of Students, who has helped thousands of students and just as many parents navigate the college experience. Let's get started Okay. Emily, thanks so much for joining us today. Let me get to the first question. What's the biggest adjustment parents face when their child leaves for college? There are a lot of adjustments. I think parents are really used to guiding and caring for their child, and trust me, they still need you. They just need you differently, and that's, I think, the most important thing for parents to remember. It's hard. You love them. You're sending them off into the world. You're asking yourselves, "Did I prepare them properly? Do they know all the things they need to know?" And when they call you and tell you their stressors, because you're their parent, they tell you everything, it's hard to resist the urge to just wanna jump right in and solve that problem for them. I'm gonna invite you to resist. In most cases, when they graduate from college, our goal is to have them confidently prepared as an employee, as a partner, as a volunteer, an active citizen, and all of the things they're gonna experience in college is gonna prepare them for that role as an adult. So every interaction, even when it doesn't go well or is frustrating or somewhat challenging, is g- helping them get there to become that adult that you aspire for them to be as a parent. And so when we intervene or we interrupt that learning, we might actually be delaying their growth in that process. And so college is a huge change. It's important for you to know they might not tell you everything. They might not tell you what they did on a Friday night. Mm-hmm. Though I'll say, I think this generation, they love their parents. They tend to talk to their parents about everything. So that might not be the case for you. They're used to coming and going on their own once they've been to college and they come back, so they're gonna come back at Thanksgiving and wanna be out till 2:00 in the morning, and that will be hard as a parent, so be prepared for that. You might not know where they are all the time- Right ... and that can be stressful as a parent. A- also, sometimes you have to ask them some different questions. If you call them up and say, "How are things?" You might just get a one-word answer. So how do you ask a different question to really elicit more detail? So I think that's a challenge for parents to relearn. You don't have them in the backseat as you're driving them to or from school- Mm-hmm ... and a chance to really talk to them. And I think the way I think about it, too, is what role do we as parents need to play in that conversation, and I think back to when they were infants or toddlers and they were learning to walk, and we can all recall that time when the child fell down- And then they turn to you and look to see whether you went, "Oh, are you okay?" Or you said- Yep ... "You're fine. It's okay. You can get up." And in the same way, our college students are going through a change in their identity, and they're growing immensely as a, as adults, and they are looking to their parents to see how they're supposed to respond or react. And so this is an opportunity also for parents to make sure that they're a calming presence for students, that they're normalizing that some of the challenges that come with adulthood are okay and normal, and they're gonna be okay. That is a great overview, and we're going to unpack this bit by bit. So what is the biggest misconception parents have about what their role should be once their student arrives on campus? That's a great question, Colleen. I think one of the biggest kind of rude awakenings that families have is the relationship they had with the high school is very different than the relationship with college. So in high school, and even before, I think a lot of families were used to being able to log in and see every grade a student has. In some cases, maybe they could even see where the student was in the school at any given time. They could call a teacher directly and say, "My son didn't get this assignment in, and can you tell me what's going on?" That's gonna be really different in college. Accommodations in particular for families that maybe their child had a 504 plan or an IEP, that is very different than it was in high school. In high school, every teacher knew what the student's circumstances were- Mm-hmm ... knew what their accommodations were, would talk regularly with parents. That's definitely not the case in college. So I think what you can expect in college is a little bit different. Instead of you as the parent being the steward of your child's education, your child is now the steward of their own education. They get to decide what grades they're gonna share with you- Mm if any. They get to decide whether you can see the bill or not- Mm-hmm ... in many cases. Professors are not gonna talk with you as a parent. They w- are gonna wanna talk with your student. And accessibility accommodations are, look really different. So the student gets to decide what information they share with their faculty, what accommodations they request, and if they don't request them, then the faculty member will know nothing about what the student needs. And this is the law in terms of sharing student data with, with a parent, correct, under FERPA? Correct. There's a federal law that manages student privacy, and once a student turns 18 or when they enroll in college, they then become, as I said, the steward of their own academic educational record. The parent is no longer that steward. And so as a result, we can only share information that the student's consent for us to share. Why is it so important to allow students to begin solving problems on their own? So there's a researcher from many years ago who developed a concept called challenge and support. His name was Nevitt Sanford, and he talks about the fact that where you wanna produce a learning environment, when you wanna produce growth in a student, if you have too much support, students won't grow. If you have too much challenge, they also will not grow. And so the goal is to develop the perfect environment where you have a balance between those two things. So if we remove every barrier that a student faces, it's not growth enhancing. The same time, if the barriers that a student is facing are so significant that they can't really function otherwise, that's not a healthy environment either. And so I, I offer that to prime the concept that it is okay to let our students fail sometimes. Those small setbacks, it could be that grade that they're really disappointed about, or maybe they didn't get into the class section that they wanted. They got an 8:00 AM, and they really wanted an 11. Those are okay. They're gonna be all right. Learning to deal with those small setbacks builds resilience, and when they face other setbacks later in their life-- And I talked to a parent about this recently. A student didn't do as well on a final that he thought. He thought he had an A, and he was gonna end up with a C, and I reminded the parent that the student was still gonna get a great job. Yep. The student was still gonna graduate. This wasn't gonna delay their graduation in any way, and that we needed to stay focused on this small setback. Helping him learn to cope with that is actually preparing him when maybe he has a bigger, more disappointing setback later in life. And I think it's important that we allow students to have that moment of failure, make meaning of it, and grow from it. I know that I've heard you speak to many classes when they come in for the orientation- Mm-hmm ... about this whole up and down and the rollercoaster, and the understanding that failing is okay. In fact, in many cases, it makes for someone stronger in the end. Absolutely. More resilient, more flexible, more nimble, more open to the idea that there isn't one right path to the destination. Even as an adult- Exactly ... I have to let myself know that too. So here's a question that I struggle with, or struggled with, because I have two college students, much different personalities from each other, and I never know if I should be hearing from someone daily or weekly or... So how often should parents expect to hear from their student? I'm laughing for a couple reasons. First, I've had many parents call me and ask me that same question. I also think there's a gender dynamic there, too. Mm-hmm. I think our girls, our women, tend to be more communicative at times than some of our men. I'm also laughing 'cause my father used to call and call me at college and say, my initials are EP, and would say, "EP, phone home," which for our '80s listeners- ET is a throwback to ET, right? I think there's no right or wrong frequency. It really depends on the dynamic with your family, what's expected. The most important thing, I think, is to have that conversation to set some expectations that are mutually agreed upon, 'cause if you want to hear from your student every single day and your student thinks once a week is appropriate and you don't have agreement on that, you as a parent might feel disappointed when they only call you once a week. Right. So working to mutually decide, what does that look like? Is that a Sunday call? Is that a everyday text? Is that a, I'll call you Thursday on my drive home kind of- Mm-hmm ... conversation? I think the key thing is come up with those shared expectations and the, make sure the folks kind of stick to that agreement. Yeah. It's changed, because when I was in college, my dad said, "Stop calling." "Money doesn't grow on trees." And now I get I'm really dating myself because that was when long distance calls- Yes ... cost a pretty penny. It, we had to enter a code to make a long distance call. I remember that, yeah. Exactly. So beyond the phone calls, or maybe in addition to the phone calls, what does healthy communication between parents and college students look like? Yeah. As I said before, I think this generation really likes their parents and tends to talk to them. At the same time, students, especially as they grow in their independence, may have parts of their lives that they don't wanna yet share with their families or maybe share a filtered version of that, and that is okay. I think in terms of defining healthy, I'd really focus on a couple of principles. Okay. First, as a parent, I think you wanna balance support for p- and respect for independence, maintaining trust. If your child does, feels like they don't, you don't trust them, that's gonna make them clam up a bit. Adapting to the autonomy of college life, that you aren't always gonna know every single thing they do. I think what's important is setting clear and mutual expectations, making sure you're focusing on connection and not control. So when you speak with your student, you really wanna focus on the relationship, not did you do your homework. If they feel like you're trying to control them, they're going to resist against that. I think it's important to also just check on their wellbeing. This is a new environment, new relationships, they're navigating the world without, uh, y- you there in, physically in many cases, and so checking in on their emotional and mental w- wellbeing I think is always important. And then be open to discussing and listening without jumping to solutions. I think students might often call and tell you that they've had a terrible day, and they don't want you to fix it. They just want you to listen. They want a sounding board. Exactly. And sometimes you can say, "Hey, do you want me to listen today, or would you like me to give you some solutions?" Maybe that's a way to kinda set some understanding of what your ch- child is asking for. And then I think it's important to stay informed, but also then respect their boundaries and their autonomy. It's not appropriate because they're frustrated with their roommate to text their roommate's mom. Let them work it out with their roommate. And I know this can be really hard to hear for some families, 'cause I absolutely value that most families nowadays use Life360 or some version of kind of tracking software to see where folks are. I check where my husband is sometimes on, on the Find My iPhone. If you are looking at that all the time, if you are checking where they are all the time, if you're having them tell you what they're eating for dinner, it's too much. Mm-hmm. So I'm gonna encourage you to try to let them be independent adults, and that's for your own sanity as a parent too, because if you're constantly worried about where they are, you're making yourself stressed out too. You've taught them everything they need to know. They've got the skills. They're gonna be okay. How do you flip the questions that you want answers for? Instead of saying, "How are your grades? Did you pass that test? Are you staying on top of all of your homework?" Those questions that you've been asking for 12 years as they were going through school, you can't ask those anymore. So what advice do you have for getting that information without being too intrusive? Absolutely. I think first and foremost, open-ended questions are always best. Not, "How was school?" You're probably gonna get a fine. Instead to say, "Hey, which one is your hardest class and what's your easiest class? Why is that? What do you think you could do to help support you in that class that seems really hard? Is anyone in your, on your floor taking that class?" I think you could ask some kind of questions from a place of curiosity as opposed to a place of management, which I think is the key difference. When it comes to homework, if, for example, if your child has historically put off, put fun before homework, let's say, you might say, "Hey, how are you balancing that? I, I know you like to play video games, and I know you gotta get your homework done, so what are you doing to approach that?" As opposed to, "Did you do your homework?" Or, "No video games till you do your homework." They're either going to lie to you or they're going to avoid answering the question. And giving them the autonomy in those questions I think goes a lot better with students. Yeah, absolutely. So again, college is often the first time students are managing everything themselves, and it can feel overwhelming and be overwhelming, so how can parents encourage independence without feeling like they're abandoning their child? I guess on the other side of things, you don't wanna do too much, but you don't wanna do too little. Absolutely. I think the number one thing I would say is please do not do it for them. And that is so hard, especially when whatever they need to do feels easy. They need to learn to problem solve. They need to use their resources. They need to know when they don't know what to do, they need to learn, "Who do I ask?" Or, "How do I look this up?" They need to learn to entertain themselves. They've- Mm-hmm ... historically been in really structured play groups. And they also in their college journey are gonna learn how to weigh multiple pieces of information and to decide which one is the right thing to lean into or which action is the right one when there are multiple choices. That is very much part of the college development process. So what I would suggest is ask them how they can find the answer. Help them identify the steps to solve the problem. Don't solve it for them. Okay. So curiosity, questions, who could you talk to? Are there resources available? Have you looked, is there a guide you can look into, or is there something online? Sometimes I have parents call and tell me that, "My child is too busy to fill in the blank task, and so I'm going to manage it for them." Hate to break it to you, but please do not be your child's concierge. In some ways, taking care of it for them is actually the least helpful thing you can do because they're missing really valuable opportunities to learn time management, to prioritize, and also gaining the courage and confidence to deal with some difficult things. W- I tell this story to some folks, one of the best lessons I ever learned f- from my dad, I needed a new muffler, and he made me call muffler places, which I hated. Get quotes, make a plan, talk about when I was gonna go in and get the work done, and he, he could've done all of that for me. It would've been a lot less stressful for me, but guess what? I learned a lot about how to talk to people professionally, w- what car maintenance wor- looked like, and I guess I just would advocate that it's important that we walk them through those steps, but do not do it for them. Really good advice from you and your dad. Yes. What's one mistake you see well-intentioned parents make that actually prevents students from growing? I think we often unintentionally put pressure on students. I have students who come in who intend to double major, and they're gonna get a master's in four or five years, and they're gonna fit all this in, and I think a lot of that comes from high school. St- students felt immense pressure to do it perfectly. They have to do it just right in order to get into the college that they want, and it felt like there was often only one right path to do all those things, or everything was gonna fall apart. And what that has done, it's encouraging folks to adopt a fixed mindset, a belief that says you should avoid challenges so that you can avoid any possible failure. That fear of failure, I think, increases a lot of stress and anxiety for students. They see mistakes as evidence of their own shortcoming as opposed to a learning opportunity. They often are comparing themselves to others constantly. They've gotta keep pace with everybody. Mm. It, I think it then reduces the willingness to try new things out of fear that they might not be successful. And I'll add another layer to this, is that I think s- students are very aware of the financial context- Yeah ... associated with college, and that adds a whole nother pressure to go, get through it as fast as possible, be successful in everything they try. And because of that immense pressure, it feels like there's no room for error, and college should be a time where you experiment, where you take a class because it sounds really interesting, which might e- then end up being your career. But if it feels like there's no room for those things, we're missing out on some learning and some growth that students can have. And so often I would encourage families, instead of focusing on, "Did you get into the right classes? Are you on track? Are you on time?" I hear the term on time a lot. On time, yeah. I try to reframe that for students and for parents. We're at a school of science and technology, so students are in the lab, or they're writing code, or they're building a robot, and in all of those cases, they're gonna do that a few times, and it might not go the way they planned. They'll write that code, and the program doesn't run, and they learn to prototype, to try something, to fix a semicolon, see if the code will run then, or repair that robot and see if it w- it will accomplish the task. So we l- we teach them to hypothesize and adjust and try again in the classroom. Let's treat our lives like that. If we thought of our life as a series of prototypes, then it takes the stakes way down. Each interaction, every test, the person you ask out on a date who maybe turns you down, that is okay because it's just one of a million more experiments that you have in your life. And then what you do is you say, "Hey, that didn't go the way I thought it would. What can I do differently? What resource can I access? How do I prototype again and see if I get a different result?" And so changing the narrative there away from the one path, one mechanism- Mm-hmm ... as efficiently and quickly as possible to a place of, "I'm just gonna try this, and if it doesn't work, I'll try it again," it really takes the pressure off, and that's something that I think we really need to focus on with students, as parents messaging that it is okay. Try it. It's gonna be all right. Yeah. Now, a lot of this, all of this advice is making complete sense, but it's a lot easier to tell a parent, "Back off," when it comes to getting involved in a club or a roommate conflict. When it comes to academics, you touched on it, college is expensive, so if a student starts struggling academically, what should parents do first? Great question. I would say, first and foremost, try to assess the situation. I called my parents and told them I was failing out pretty much every quarter I was in school. I was never failing out. So y- remember that your student shows you the worst. They- Yes ... they, they can be their complete and true vulnerable selves with you, and so the first thing you should do is don't freak out. Ask some questions. Try to really assess the situation. Next, I want parents to normalize the struggle. They're coming to college. In some cases, students have never really learned good study skills, and now they're needing to, to enact skills they didn't develop. Often they think they're the only one struggling, that everybody else has it perfectly, and that this is gonna be catastrophic and ruin their lives. They go back to that fixed mindset perspective. So remind them they're not alone. Other college students have come before them who've gotten a C in physics or didn't do well on the calculus exam, and they too can figure it out, and that's where that prototyping, I think, message is really valuable. Next, ask some questions. Don't interrogate. Like I said, don't, don't freak out. Interrogate, yep. Don't. Ask them what resources are available. Encourage them to use those resources. And I would say give them a little time to, to get to that resource. Make a plan. "Hey, tomorrow, why don't you email your advisor?" Mm-hmm. Or, "Hey, why don't you walk over to the tutoring center tomorrow and check it out and see when the next tutoring session is?" So make a plan with them. Then check in and say, "Hey, were you able to do that?" If they're really struggling to take that action, don't do it for them, but you could sit with them. I've had great success sitting with students because maybe emailing their professor to say they need some flexibility feels really scary. That's vulnerable, especially for a h- a high achieving student. And so I've said, "Why don't you work on the email while you're sitting here in my office? You can type it. You can read it to me if you want. I'm happy to bounce ideas off of you." And then usually once they've done that once and it, the computer didn't explode- Yep. the professor didn't yell at them, 'cause they're not going to do that, they realize that, th- I, it's a little easier than I thought to ask for help. And once they've put that toe in the water, it gets much easier beyond that. And so the next thing would be to maybe sit with the student, help them do that. Now, if after you've done all of that, student is still struggling, we would recommend maybe reaching out to the dean of students office on a campus or academic advising and do a, maybe a joint phone call or a joint conversation. Okay. Okay. So there is something parents can do if the other list of things are just not working. Absolutely. Okay. We view parents here at WPI as partners. Sure. And so we wanna work together to support student success. We like the student to be in the conversation, but we welcome parents being part of the conversation with us. Emily, how can parents distinguish between the normal stress of college and situations that require additional support? I, I think the gauge here is if the level of stress your child is experiencing is impacting their ability to take breaks, to sleep, to take care of themselves, to function, it's too much. One way y- you can help is to try to reduce that pressure. I often remind students that unless they plan to apply to a really competitive graduate school, no one cares what their GPA is. It's much easier to say that to a college student than have them believe it, but it is true. Mm-hmm. They're still gonna get a good job when they graduate. Their health matters way more than any grade they're ever gonna receive, and really trying to emphasize that, I think, is a really important thing for families to do. I think there's a difference between a metaphorical skinned knee and a broken leg. Okay. Going back to my example where, you know, as a toddler falls down, and so if it's a skinned knee, saying, "You got this. I believe in you. You can do it." Now, if it's to the point where your student is struggling, I think you sh- need to trust yourself. You know your child's baseline. You know what that threshold is, and if they aren't themselves, please work with them to get support, and that can look like academic support, physical health support- Mm ... mental health support. Here at WPI, we really appreciate knowing that a student is experiencing that level of stress, and we're happy to work in partnership to help get that student connected to resources. So if a parent is concerned about their student's well-being, and again, it's not the scraped knee, it's approaching a broken leg, what's the best first step? Let's back up just a second- Okay ... and talk about how folks psychosocially get to a place where they make change in their lives. Okay. Yes. Good point. Let's say we want someone, w- someone wants to start eating healthier or maybe start seeing a counselor in this context. It's generally framed as a series of stages. So folks start out in this pre-contemplation phase, where they maybe don't see a problem, or they're moving into what's called contemplation, where they see the problem, but they th- don't h- either feel like they have the time or the tools or the resources- Mm-hmm to take action. They're just not psychologically bought into making a change. They move to preparation, where they say, "I need to do something differently here." And then once they get there, they get to the place where they take action, all right? This is true whether someone wants to start a workout program or wants to start using the tutoring resources on campus- Yeah or in this case, seek mental health support. When someone is ready to take action, they are much more likely to follow through on ongoing care. All right? So f- it goes without saying that if you're concerned for your student's immediate wellbeing, sometimes you don't have time to work through these stages. Right. Mm-hmm. I'm gonna name that. If you are concerned, you should be calling the police department at the school where your student is enrolled, and they will generally go and do a welfare check on that student. Yep. But let's say that we're not at that imminent threat level. We're at a place where we're concerned, we know some action needs to be taken. Mm-hmm. What we wanna do is help the student get there psychosocially. That is gonna result in the best outcome. So that means encouraging y- the student to share what's going on, and the way to do that might be starting by saying what you're observing, doing that as non-judgmentally as possible. "Hey, I'm observing that you've been sleeping a lot during the day. Can we talk about what's going on?" Yep. That might be a way to say that. You wanna try to move them from that place of, "I don't have time to take action, I don't have time to see a counselor, I'm too stressed out, I'm too busy," to a place where they say, "This is important. I need to prioritize me." And so, I, I think acknowledging the current state, share what you're observing, and resist the urge to just fix it or diagnose it. I'll offer a caveat there, though. I have had great success when a student has opened up, told me what's going on, said that they're struggling, they're not sure what the solution is, or k- they feel there's barriers, to sometimes name, "Hey, it sounds like you might be depressed," and, or, "It might be... It sounds like you're feeling really anxious." I think in these kinds of s- situations, students actually really want to feel seen. They feel like they've been walking around the world and no one else is feeling the same way they are, that everybody else is fine, and that no one else sees them. And so sometimes naming that can really open the door to say, "It sounds like maybe you need some more support. Let's talk about what that looks like." Yeah. Sense of community. I'm, that's what is going through my head right now, and I think most people hear that phrase and think sense of community, friends, like interests. But that sense of community extends exactly to what you're describing. I'm not alone in my feelings. I'm not alone in my reactions. Exactly. So yeah, boy, that's powerful. Yeah, there's a researcher, Nancy Schlossberg, who talks about the idea of mattering, and mattering is, we talk about engagement as volunteering your time or being involved in things, but mattering is also feeling like people are counting on you and that they see you as a human, and so th- this conversation, when you're concerned about someone, is about helping them feel seen. All right. Emily, we have learned a lot. Great advice. I'm gonna ask you to buckle up. I have some rapid-fire questions for you. One thing every parent should stop worrying about. Remember that everything you have taught them their entire life has prepared them for this college journey. You've done a good job, and lean into that. All right. One conversation every family should have before move-in day. I want you to talk about what a healthy relationship looks like, whether that's a roommate, a dating partner, a teammate on a group project. Helping your child understand what that looks like I think is critical to building those r- healthy relationships. One campus resource every student should use. Hands down their academic or faculty advisor. They can be a phenomenal mentor, a coach. They can write recommendation letters. They can be an advocate if a student is facing a challenge. I think it's important to remember we work on a college campus as faculty and staff. We like college students. We want to get to know them, and we want them to know us. One habit that helps students succeed in college. Do not sacrifice sleep. We all have joked about the college all-nighter, but neuroscience says that does not help you learn. I firmly believe that a student can get through their full college experience going to bed at a reasonable hour, unless by choice, every single night. I love to get a good night's sleep. Fill in the blank: The best thing a parent can do for a college student is... Allow them their autonomy. I think it's important to be curious, but not intrusive, and gently nudge, but don't direct or do it for them. Okay. Final question. If you could leave parents with one piece of advice as they support their college student over the next four, five, six years, what would it be? You know what, Coleen? I was thinking about this recently. The, one of our commencement speakers this year, and I'm paraphrasing slightly, said, "College isn't about becoming perfect. It's about becoming who you are." And I think that's one of the greatest parts of the college experience. Students are gonna learn a ton in the classroom, but really, the process of self-knowledge, figuring out who they are, trying new things, picking up a new hobby, forming relationships with people that they maybe didn't know, taking some risks and maybe falling down a little bit- Hmm they're gonna come out of that more capable, wiser, and ready for the world. I heard that speech. That resonated with me as well, so yeah, I'm glad you mentioned that. I'm glad you mentioned all of this. This is such good advice, again, for not just parents of incoming college students, but veterans like me that are still trying to figure it out. I know that we touched on a lot, maybe even just scratched the surface on some things, but it's a really good starting point, and thank you so much. Absolutely. Thanks for having me. Okay. This has been the WPI Podcast, a show that brings you up close and behind the scenes of what makes WPI so unique. There are more episodes like the one you just heard that would appeal to any parent or student of any college, including academic advising and residential life. You can find those podcasts and the whole volume of the WPI Podcast on wpi.edu/listen or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Colleen Wamback and thanks again for listening